Inspired as I am by Gibbs, I give you my own list of "rules". What are Your rules?

1.       I've come to a point in my life where I no longer have time or energy to hold on to what hurts.

2.       Blaming someone else for something I allowed is not only wrong, but stupid as well.

3.       Diplomacy isn't just knowing what to say and how to say it. Sometimes, it's knowing when to keep quiet.

4.       Sex, good as it is, is not enough to sustain a relationship.

5.       Gibbs Rule #36: If you feel like you're being played, you probably are.

6.       Be careful who you tell your truths to.

7.       People do not change unless they are given a dire reason.

8.       The rules apply to me, too.

9.       Love is a four-letter word.

10.   Action is the only thing guaranteed to bring change.

11.   A declaration of love twenty-five years after the fact is way too little, too late.

12.   FaceBook and other social-media sites are only as bad or dangerous as your own intent.

13.   Do not spend time and energy chasing after people that make no effort to be part of your life.

14.   ALWAYS have a Plan-B.

15.   Get it in writing.

16.   There's not as much wrong with me as I spent most of my life believing.

17.   Always go with your gut.

18.   Music ALWAYS helps, especially if it's The Beatles.

19.   Balance is important, if you can find it.

20.   Simplify.

21.   Perception is reality.

22.   Education is never wasted, and you can learn from anywhere or anyone if you open your mind, eyes and ears.

23.   Life becomes easier once you stop taking it so seriously.

24.   Keep yourself healthy. You're the only you you've got.

25.   Participate in your own life. It's better than sitting back waiting.

26.   Know what you are getting into, before you agree to it.

27.   Always get a receipt.

28.   No matter how hard you try, you can never completely cat-proof your home.

29.   Don’t ask the question if you don’t want the answer.

30.   Listen to your conscience. It is there for a reason.

31.   Pride is not as important as self-respect. There IS a difference.

32.   Whenever possible, explain yourself in person.

33.   Sometimes, you just have to stop and pet the cat.

34.   We’re all masochists in our own way.

35.   You can regret a decision yet still know it was right.

36.   Sometimes, you've gotta break the rules.

37.   *Everyone* has an agenda.

38.   Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed.

39.   Let No one else define you. You are a person in your own right, entitled to your thoughts and feelings.

40.   Eventually, something will come back to bite you on the arse.

41.   Nothing is ever just “something”.

42.   There’s always a work-around.

43.   You must evolve with the world around you or be swallowed by it.

44.   Everything comes at a price.

45.   Get humble and be honest, at least with yourself.
46. Do not mistake complacency for contentment.

Greetings, Earthlings : )

It's time for another short story. I used the "system" against itself, handed this in to my professor last year and it impressed him into giving me my A (along with the other short story posted here), despite not being able to give him what he wanted for homework assignments.

You know I want you here. I have told you in as many ways I possibly could. Am I ever going to see that moment? When you give up fighting me? Fighting yourself?

Today was one of those rare moments where you let me see you, with nothing hidden. I told you I like you just fine, thank you.

I’m pushing you, even as I tell myself I won’t. I am walking a delicate balance between it being about you and it being about me. I’ve been doing ok so far, but I’m so afraid to slip.

You have to reach me on your own. I am holding out my hand to you though. I want to help you take that step. I want those walls to crumble.

Keeping my behavior in check is not easy. I hope you appreciate my effort, love.

I don’t care how many people scream for me, it’s never enough. Since you closed yourself off from me so long ago, nothing will ever be enough.

I’ve tried pulling you off that pedestal once. For that, I was punished by your absence in my life. I stopped sleeping. Every time I closed my eyes, all that awaited me in my dreams was pain. After a few days, the others noticed – asked me questions that I dared not answer. You stood off alone, unconcerned, with your head down. You wouldn’t even let me look at you. Then, there was the break.

The week in between shows couldn’t have ended fast enough. I needed my high again. Something had to fill the hole, and really, the distance had to end, didn’t it? Despite your conviction, somehow, I believed you wanted me close.

The first show – I can’t say I remember anything about it except that it gave me the right to touch you and be in your space. You would rationalize that it was “for the show” and therefore acceptable. I was shameless and way over-the-top. You rolled your eyes as you have countless times and I thought everything was ok with us.

After we were done, you kept your distance. I was crushed. I’d ruined the one thing I’ve always relied on to save me.

I’d opted to stay in that night. I was in no mood for revelry. Again – surprised looks all around. I didn’t care. I was tired and lonely. I missed my family and my best friend, who was at that moment, going to “party with the big boys”. Hmpf. Rock-star lifestyle my arse. You, my friend, were way out of your league. Adam knew how to live that life, though in retrospect, perhaps not that well. Even I knew better. I said nothing when you went off with him to do God-knows-what. To this day I still don’t know what went on.

I called home. Even the voices of my angels did nothing to lift my spirits. I rung off with them, peeled off the leather, flopped on the bed and cried myself to sleep.

You realized early on that you felt out of place doing the flash thing. You did accompany me for a while, when I did it. I was always jealous of the attention you would get, even as I encouraged you to indulge yourself. I didn't know that on your own, it felt hollow to you. You called it a night and left alone.

I never heard my door open.

I was trapped in a nightmare. I knew it but could not wake up. I don’t remember what it was I was trying to escape. I don’t want to. I do remember waking up sobbing. Suddenly, you were there, your face full of the usual concern and understanding. You kept asking me what was wrong. I surely couldn’t tell you, though what I did say was no lie. I remember telling you I never wanted to sleep again. You smiled at me. You stroked my hair, like you always would if something was bad. You told me everything was ok. You ended your self-imposed exile and my despair.

I can sleep again.

I’m stuck on this tightrope with you. I see signs of wear in your walls, though. I want to use dynamite to break through, but have to be content with water, A powerful force, water. Slow and steady. It smooths, it changes, it erodes…

Very well then, I am water. And I will wait. I feel your despair and your emptiness. I think you know what you need to do. I can make you happy. I can fill your soul. I’ve long ago realized that in surrender is power. My life is a shining example, is it not?

So, I will wait, as long as it takes, for your surrender.

Let It Go


I've heard versions of this from Buddha, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Bono, Ziggy Marley - and I'm sure others. I've said that music is a big part of my religion. There's a good reason for that, for in music, I hear the tangible understanding that at least these guys "get it". You can hear a lyric that feels like scripture, one that makes every nerve and fiber of your being come on-line.

It's something that will make you think. You'll come to a greater understanding and perhaps make a needed change in your life. Sounds silly? It isn't. Not when you think of all the people who do these things out of inspiration from a church/temple of some sort. Religion is the brand name we give to our belief in something greater than ourselves. Those brand names for something that is supposed to be good and based on love have caused more bloodshed than anything else in history, or so I've read. By sticking to outdated modes of thinking about that "higher belief", we've missed the message. Because we HAD to give "higher belief" a name, and go through our lives being told (and eventually believing) that our name/brand was the best and truest and everyone else was bad and destined for a bad place, mistrust and prejudice grew.

This stopped being my life in my teens, for various reasons. But music? I was absorbed by it. It shaped my thinking. I listened to the actual instruments played in the song as much as the lyrics. I discovered what a fan I was of the "low notes". I was a bass-girl. (Thank you, Paul McCartney)
I was a lyrics-girl too (Thank you Lennon, McCartney, Harrison, Dylan and Bowie) and was able to paint pictures in my head about what I was hearing. I was able to find many of "The Golden Rules" in what I listened to. Imagine my surprise when I listened to Ozzy Osbourne sing "maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate."

Anyway...the point of this was Letting Go. I hear all of the people I've mentioned tell me it's for the best. I am working on my Zen. It tells me letting go will free my mind. Logical mind knows this to be true. So why is it so damn hard to let go of hurt? Feeling hurt...hurts. Why wouldn't I want to let it go so it wouldn't hurt anymore?

I also believe in the "high road". I want to fix the situation with C&D. But I want it according to MY terms. I want the them to understand me. I know they do not. And I doubt they will try. And it is stopping me from trying. Zen tells me to do a thing for the sake of the thing, not the outcome. I've come closer with this one. Just because I'm tired of it. But there's still that little part of me that is still bothered by it all. I figure eventually that little part will shut the hell up, and I'll do what I've been wanting to do anyway,  whether it works out or not.

The other situation? Well, heartbreak is never easy. Being betrayed by someone using ME against myself is bad business. I showed my hand, so to speak. Usually, I am much better than that. I was trying to pretend it never happened, but that isn't working so well for me. I don't know what to do with it. Anger is always a bad idea for me. I have been known to work myself up to being vindictive. I am not that person in reality.  I'm always afraid that one day, I won't be able to stop myself from being that person. I have a hell of an imagination and a bit of a mean streak that I try hard to keep in-check.

Distractions aren't really working either. This whole piece was supposed to be something else entirely, but this is what came out.