Let It Go


I've heard versions of this from Buddha, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Bono, Ziggy Marley - and I'm sure others. I've said that music is a big part of my religion. There's a good reason for that, for in music, I hear the tangible understanding that at least these guys "get it". You can hear a lyric that feels like scripture, one that makes every nerve and fiber of your being come on-line.

It's something that will make you think. You'll come to a greater understanding and perhaps make a needed change in your life. Sounds silly? It isn't. Not when you think of all the people who do these things out of inspiration from a church/temple of some sort. Religion is the brand name we give to our belief in something greater than ourselves. Those brand names for something that is supposed to be good and based on love have caused more bloodshed than anything else in history, or so I've read. By sticking to outdated modes of thinking about that "higher belief", we've missed the message. Because we HAD to give "higher belief" a name, and go through our lives being told (and eventually believing) that our name/brand was the best and truest and everyone else was bad and destined for a bad place, mistrust and prejudice grew.

This stopped being my life in my teens, for various reasons. But music? I was absorbed by it. It shaped my thinking. I listened to the actual instruments played in the song as much as the lyrics. I discovered what a fan I was of the "low notes". I was a bass-girl. (Thank you, Paul McCartney)
I was a lyrics-girl too (Thank you Lennon, McCartney, Harrison, Dylan and Bowie) and was able to paint pictures in my head about what I was hearing. I was able to find many of "The Golden Rules" in what I listened to. Imagine my surprise when I listened to Ozzy Osbourne sing "maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate."

Anyway...the point of this was Letting Go. I hear all of the people I've mentioned tell me it's for the best. I am working on my Zen. It tells me letting go will free my mind. Logical mind knows this to be true. So why is it so damn hard to let go of hurt? Feeling hurt...hurts. Why wouldn't I want to let it go so it wouldn't hurt anymore?

I also believe in the "high road". I want to fix the situation with C&D. But I want it according to MY terms. I want the them to understand me. I know they do not. And I doubt they will try. And it is stopping me from trying. Zen tells me to do a thing for the sake of the thing, not the outcome. I've come closer with this one. Just because I'm tired of it. But there's still that little part of me that is still bothered by it all. I figure eventually that little part will shut the hell up, and I'll do what I've been wanting to do anyway,  whether it works out or not.

The other situation? Well, heartbreak is never easy. Being betrayed by someone using ME against myself is bad business. I showed my hand, so to speak. Usually, I am much better than that. I was trying to pretend it never happened, but that isn't working so well for me. I don't know what to do with it. Anger is always a bad idea for me. I have been known to work myself up to being vindictive. I am not that person in reality.  I'm always afraid that one day, I won't be able to stop myself from being that person. I have a hell of an imagination and a bit of a mean streak that I try hard to keep in-check.

Distractions aren't really working either. This whole piece was supposed to be something else entirely, but this is what came out.