Silent Witness

 

I think I hate you right now. You're supposed to be my friend and all, and I care about you, but right now...I just don't know. We've been all over the board, you and I. I lived a life, had what I did, which made me who I was. You...you just floated along, not reaching out to make anything important. Whatever happened, happened, which was just fine with you. I watched it and remembered thinking to myself, Well, that's the way it is. It's ok. Everyone's different. Not everyone's built like you. One day, you let someone come and "make something of you", instead of you doing it for yourself. And even then, I thought, ok, well, everyone's gotta grow up. Now though, I look at you and see that you put yourself far above who and what we were and that you think less of me for where I am in life compared to you. How bloody dare you?

You never did any of it for yourself. The world just walked by and handed you shit and I've never seen gratitude in your eyes for the blessings you've received. The things you've accomplished were things that were someone else's agenda. I've always hated people who felt entitled, and now you're among them. I don't see a way back from this and it hurts me and scares me. I'm afraid of what I may say or do someday because of the way I feel right now.

You've never had to make a sacrifice, not in all these years. You once said to me "welcome to reality" when I was complaining about something that happened. I almost broke the phone off the wall, slamming it down. You've no sensitivity for others and pretty much, no conscience. I take perverse pleasure in exploiting this, because in the end, we're no different. Every time I win, I want to gloat, but keep myself from it, because really, what's the point? You'd never really understand, would you?

I took a wrong turn - knew it when it was happening - and did it anyway, because that's the way you lived your life and I followed suit. I ended up losing so much more than you did by following your example. It hurts to this day. Years of my life I'll never get back, and for what? A laugh and some serious paranoia, coupled with near ruin.

You can't be arsed to acknowledge anyone, unless it furthers your own agenda, can you?

I've damn near blood in my eyes and you have no fucking clue. Yeah, it's my problem. Been that way for quite some time now, but at what point do I call you out on it? And it's not like you've been shy about the slights you've perceived, have you? You kicked me when I was down, yet I stood up and did what was expected, and you never did. There was never a two-way street there. Everyone just had to jump on your bandwagon. And they did, because they couldn't see what I did. There were a few who did, and they got the hell outta Dodge, didn't they? It didn't even touch you. I was there for it all, so you can't say I've no idea what I'm talking about. I think the only thing that bothered you about that was that entitlement you felt, and the 'how could someone go off and exist without me?'  It was behind your eyes, shockingly evident.

I wonder what you'd say in response to this. If it would sink in. If you would see the damage. Probably not. And...that's really what the problem is, cos' you just don't put much thought into such ridiculous notions as the feelings of your friends.

Feelings of obligation are NOT true sentiment. What can make up for it now? Karma comes 'round to bite us all in the arse eventually. I'll try to be content, waiting and watching. At least I won’t get caught in YOUR fall-out.

KC - 2013