For Old-time's sake
She surprised me. She really did. I really didn’t expect
she’d want it.
I hadn’t seen Kim in eighteen years. We were friends in high-school. We sat next to each other in chemistry and debated politics and nuclear energy. She was plain, and a bit overweight, but sharp and funny and a good conversation companion. Our relationship never went beyond friendship. What she thought or felt about me was anyone’s guess. She played her cards close to the vest, never letting anyone or anything get too close. There was only one guy I knew she liked and the only reason I knew is because they “went out” for a while. I do remember he wasn’t very nice to her.
Don’t ask-don’t tell was a way of
life for high-school kids. We spent so much time trying to find a place to
belong amongst the clichéd groups of misguided kids, only letting the socially
acceptable sides of ourselves show. I was one of the “smart” ones – eggheads was
the term, I believe. There were jocks, cheerleaders, burn-outs…the same thing
kids today see, more-or-less. Kim had a very small group of her own. CJ, Marie,
and one or two others. They weren’t part of any category with a name.
I’m sure they were all mistreated
by their peers during their school career. Not fitting in makes you a target
for other self-conscious kids that are so determined not to be different that
they’d engage in behavior out of character from who they were inside.
I’m sure it’s worse for girls. Kim,
a smart, sarcastic girl who wasn’t conventionally attractive, didn’t just have
to deal with self-doubt and fear over wondering if she’d find a boy who wasn’t
concerned with her status, she had
the popular girls and cheerleader-types to contend with, many of whom were
exceptionally mean. I’ve seen it. It isn’t pretty. They were validating
themselves at the expense of anyone different.
I never really paid attention to my
own social standing in school. I knew who I was and where I was headed. I’d
been skipped a grade in grammar school. I managed to keep those around me from
knowing I was younger than them. A year and a half isn’t a big deal in the
adult world, but in school, it made me a bit of a nerd. I fit in just enough to
not get picked on, so I kept my head low and concentrated on my studies.
Anyway…this is the back-story to my
history with Kim. We tried to keep in touch after high-school, but over time,
we lost contact with each other. Fast-forward eighteen years. With the help of
social-media, Kim found me. She wrote, asking if I remembered her, asking how I
was and how was life going. I was a bit surprised she’d contacted me. Of course
I remembered her and we talked via e-mail a bit and was happy she’d found me.
About a month or so later, I had a
business trip to my home state. On a whim, I contacted her and told her I would
be coming to town and asked if she would she like to get together. She was very
enthusiastic about the prospect, and told me so. Mind you, she had no details
on the circumstances of my life - I am married and have three kids. I probably
should have told her, though again, I have no idea what was really in her mind.
If I admitted it to myself, I was curious. I knew she was an open,
speak-her-mind kind of person, but “excited to see me” could mean she was
feeling nostalgic.
Story after story was told and the
hour grew late. She tried a few times to leave, but it was easy to distract her
into talking about whatever was next. Finally, she said it was “pumpkin time”
and stood up. To this day I don’t know what came over me, but I blurted out
“Well, I’ll just make sure you get home ok.” She raised her eyebrows and asked
“Yeah?” I smiled and said “yeah.”
I walked her to her car and told
her I’d follow her. She was completely puzzled as to why I would want to drive
all the way from my hotel to her house. Again she asked “Yeah?” And I answered
in the affirmative. “Ok, then, let’s go”
It was refreshing to be with
someone so free, so authentic. She was everything my wife wasn’t. She worked.
She had her struggles, but not once did she give the impression that she wanted
to be “taken care” of. My wife is a good woman, a good mother. We raised three
kids, two in college. We have a day to day relationship, and it’s amicable, but
never once had a conversation like I’d had with Kim. I’ve often had the feeling
my wife picked me because she know I would get a good job and give her the life
she wanted. Somewhere in there, my needs and feelings were forgotten.
Kim was a passionate person in all aspects
of her life. She answered my questions, even though some of them were quite
personal. Her confessions were what lead me to take the risk.
In the end, we “got there” because
I let het talk. It was just who she was, I guess. But I was interested. It’s
not often someone will just pour out the contents of their head in front of you
uncensored, and let you ask them questions. And we hadn’t even had any
liquid-courage! Until, that is, I saw the bottle of wine on her counter and
encouraged her to open it. She told me that she bought that particular wine
because her favorite TV character mentioned it. We laughed over it and she told
me that next, she would be taking stock tips from cartoon characters.
After some more wine and a snack, I
let her in on what I was thinking. It was 3am and she did have work in the
morning. As surprised as she was, her response was “Oh well, I’ll sleep when
I’m dead.” Later that morning, when I left, Kim was not showing any signs of a
woman interested in continuing what we’d started. As I walked out the door, she
was recommending a book I should read on my flight. This confused me, as she
made no mention of anything that had transpired. I think I was a little hurt.
When I got to the office that morning, I was convinced everyone knew.
I remembered to send her a birthday
card a week later. She called me when she received it. That was when the gates
opened and we couldn’t get enough of each other, acting like fifteen year-olds
with the calls and texting, and I accidentally used the “L” word a few times,
before she did. Not a month later, I had a business trip and I asked her if she
could come. She made it happen. It was an idyllic week. There wasn’t a trace of
normal to our time together, and neither of us felt guilty. I was decent about
it. I knew the town and was able to take her places that impressed her. I did
my best not to appear to be throwing money around. We aren’t in the same place,
financially and I didn’t want her to feel bad. As for Kim, she did her best to
convey her thoughts and feelings without words. She held my hand. She had a
twinkle in her eyes when she looked at me. I felt invincible. Less than two
weeks later, I had another trip to my home office. I spent the week at Kim’s.
She was a little quirky, but nothing I couldn’t deal with. At least she wasn’t
behaving like some diva. She went out of her way to make me feel comfortable
and even to try impressing me a bit. It was an amazing week.
During that time she came out to
Chicago with me on my business trip, I think things changed for her. Things. An
easier way of saying “her feelings”. I didn’t realize. We talked every day and
the conversations were always a surprise. She called me baby, sweetheart, amor
and she meant it. It wasn’t out of misguided obligation. It was nice to feel
that passion again. She made it about me as much as her and I went into my
company’s regional office every day thinking about what we’d do when evening
came. I felt like a kid again.
Kim is a talker. She’s good at it.
She enjoys her job and according to emails she saved, her peers like and
respect her for the most part. I don’t understand how someone could have the
job she does and be so financially inept. She dreams, but puts nothing aside to
help her achieve those dreams. I commend her for starting school again at her
age, but if she’d done it in her twenties, she’d be pulling six-figures, living
in a house in Bergen County, not where she is now – a garden complex without
anyone to help her around the house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After three months in, things changed
somehow. Somewhere along the line, I let a few days slip where we didn’t talk.
She didn’t like it, but didn’t ask any questions. The truth is, she’s a great
person, but very intense in all things. She’s the exact opposite of what I have
at home. Her concerns don’t revolve around caring for a family. She thinks
about things I no longer have time or use for. I let her talk anyway, because
she is entertaining, but lately, I’ve been tuning her out when she’s off on a
tangent. And the last time? She noticed. She did try talking to me about our
“time-share” situation. She tried asking for what she needed from me, but not
directly and I missed it.
When my next trip came up, I asked
if I could stay with her. She was odd about it and said “You are granted
permission.” I could tell something was on her mind, just itching to be said,
but let it go, in favor of enjoying my time with her. Having that conversation
would probably have been a bad thing. When we saw each other, I put on my best-guy-ever persona for her. She
deserved that much. We had our little domestic-thing, we went out. I tried to
make her smile. She did, but it almost never reached her eyes. Not like last
time.
We were out having lunch the day I
was to leave. I don’t know what got into me, but I asked her what was wrong and
she said “I‘ve been waiting for you to say something for a while now, baby. I
heard Bob Dylan on my mp3 player singing “It Ain’t Me Babe” and I realized that
no matter what you mean to me, you will never be the person I need. You can’t
make sacrifices for very long and there’s no way you’re walking away from your
stable life, no matter how platonic and passionless it is. You will not give up
what you have for what could be. It isn’t who you are. Now, we’ve had a lot of
fun. You played the game well and you got me. You took it too far though, and
made me feel what I didn’t want to feel. I wish you hadn’t. I’m sad. But that’s
life, isn’t it? I did get something out of this, though. I got to see a
different way of being. You showed me that there isn’t as much wrong with me as
I’d spent most of my life believing. Thank you for that.” She smiled at me.
All I could think was “Does this
mean it’s over?”
I drove her home. She kissed me,
got out of the car and walked away with a smile and the sun on her face. Every
step she took away from me made me wonder what just happened and what did I
just give up?
So now I’m on my way home to my
wife and kids. Back to my day-to-day. I passed the spot in my drive where I’d
usually tell her I was close to home and memories came flooding back. Their
theme was all the same and I feel like I’ve lost something important. I shouldn’t
have judged her. She probably felt it the minute it happened. She let me into
the treasure-filled rooms in her head and heart because of who she remembered
and now she knows I’m not the person she remembered. I wonder if I will be
welcome in her life and in her home. I wasn’t a careful in that little room as
I should have been. She was the person I knew back when. She’s just as free,
but still as fragile.
I miss hearing Kim tell me things I
had no idea about. I miss hearing someone call me the names she did and write
me the letters she did. She even tried writing a few in Spanish, thanks to
Google Translate. I miss her affection. She was a real person, not afraid to
show people all sides of her. My wife and I live a “normal” life. We have three
beautiful daughters. Two are already in college, with my youngest in
high-school. We do the things other families do. We go shopping, we visit
relatives, and we have mini-vacations. Occasionally, we go to church. Intimacy
with the wife however, is not so normal and it just isn’t something she looks
for. If that is what I want, I always have to initiate it. Before Kim came back
into my life, I dealt with it. I convinced myself it was fine, and that it
didn’t bother me. Now? Now I think it’s going to be harder to keep up the
façade of happy family man
Does Hallmark make a card for this
sort of thing? Can I ever apologize enough? Would she even listen to me now
that I’ve destroyed her opinion of me? I’m afraid to try and I’m horrified at
the idea of NOT trying. Even if she talks to me again, she’ll never be as open
as she was and it will hurt. I stayed with the wife all these years because
that’s what people did – got married and had children. And I convinced myself
that my life was perfect and as it should be. And then, I heard from her and
nothing was ever going to be the same for me, either.
kc 2012