For Old-time's sake

She surprised me. She really did. I really didn’t expect she’d want it.

I hadn’t seen Kim in eighteen years. We were friends in high-school. We sat next to each other in chemistry and debated politics and nuclear energy. She was plain, and a bit overweight, but sharp and funny and a good conversation companion. Our relationship never went beyond friendship. What she thought or felt about me was anyone’s guess. She played her cards close to the vest, never letting anyone or anything get too close. There was only one guy I knew she liked and the only reason I knew is because they “went out” for a while. I do remember he wasn’t very nice to her.

Don’t ask-don’t tell was a way of life for high-school kids. We spent so much time trying to find a place to belong amongst the clichéd groups of misguided kids, only letting the socially acceptable sides of ourselves show. I was one of the “smart” ones – eggheads was the term, I believe. There were jocks, cheerleaders, burn-outs…the same thing kids today see, more-or-less. Kim had a very small group of her own. CJ, Marie, and one or two others. They weren’t part of any category with a name.

I’m sure they were all mistreated by their peers during their school career. Not fitting in makes you a target for other self-conscious kids that are so determined not to be different that they’d engage in behavior out of character from who they were inside.

I’m sure it’s worse for girls. Kim, a smart, sarcastic girl who wasn’t conventionally attractive, didn’t just have to deal with self-doubt and fear over wondering if she’d find a boy who wasn’t concerned with her status, she had the popular girls and cheerleader-types to contend with, many of whom were exceptionally mean. I’ve seen it. It isn’t pretty. They were validating themselves at the expense of anyone different.

I never really paid attention to my own social standing in school. I knew who I was and where I was headed. I’d been skipped a grade in grammar school. I managed to keep those around me from knowing I was younger than them. A year and a half isn’t a big deal in the adult world, but in school, it made me a bit of a nerd. I fit in just enough to not get picked on, so I kept my head low and concentrated on my studies.

Anyway…this is the back-story to my history with Kim. We tried to keep in touch after high-school, but over time, we lost contact with each other. Fast-forward eighteen years. With the help of social-media, Kim found me. She wrote, asking if I remembered her, asking how I was and how was life going. I was a bit surprised she’d contacted me. Of course I remembered her and we talked via e-mail a bit and was happy she’d found me.

About a month or so later, I had a business trip to my home state. On a whim, I contacted her and told her I would be coming to town and asked if she would she like to get together. She was very enthusiastic about the prospect, and told me so. Mind you, she had no details on the circumstances of my life - I am married and have three kids. I probably should have told her, though again, I have no idea what was really in her mind. If I admitted it to myself, I was curious. I knew she was an open, speak-her-mind kind of person, but “excited to see me” could mean she was feeling nostalgic.

 

Story after story was told and the hour grew late. She tried a few times to leave, but it was easy to distract her into talking about whatever was next. Finally, she said it was “pumpkin time” and stood up. To this day I don’t know what came over me, but I blurted out “Well, I’ll just make sure you get home ok.” She raised her eyebrows and asked “Yeah?” I smiled and said “yeah.”

I walked her to her car and told her I’d follow her. She was completely puzzled as to why I would want to drive all the way from my hotel to her house. Again she asked “Yeah?” And I answered in the affirmative. “Ok, then, let’s go”

It was refreshing to be with someone so free, so authentic. She was everything my wife wasn’t. She worked. She had her struggles, but not once did she give the impression that she wanted to be “taken care” of. My wife is a good woman, a good mother. We raised three kids, two in college. We have a day to day relationship, and it’s amicable, but never once had a conversation like I’d had with Kim. I’ve often had the feeling my wife picked me because she know I would get a good job and give her the life she wanted. Somewhere in there, my needs and feelings were forgotten.

Kim was a passionate person in all aspects of her life. She answered my questions, even though some of them were quite personal. Her confessions were what lead me to take the risk.

In the end, we “got there” because I let het talk. It was just who she was, I guess. But I was interested. It’s not often someone will just pour out the contents of their head in front of you uncensored, and let you ask them questions. And we hadn’t even had any liquid-courage! Until, that is, I saw the bottle of wine on her counter and encouraged her to open it. She told me that she bought that particular wine because her favorite TV character mentioned it. We laughed over it and she told me that next, she would be taking stock tips from cartoon characters.

After some more wine and a snack, I let her in on what I was thinking. It was 3am and she did have work in the morning. As surprised as she was, her response was “Oh well, I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Later that morning, when I left, Kim was not showing any signs of a woman interested in continuing what we’d started. As I walked out the door, she was recommending a book I should read on my flight. This confused me, as she made no mention of anything that had transpired. I think I was a little hurt. When I got to the office that morning, I was convinced everyone knew.

I remembered to send her a birthday card a week later. She called me when she received it. That was when the gates opened and we couldn’t get enough of each other, acting like fifteen year-olds with the calls and texting, and I accidentally used the “L” word a few times, before she did. Not a month later, I had a business trip and I asked her if she could come. She made it happen. It was an idyllic week. There wasn’t a trace of normal to our time together, and neither of us felt guilty. I was decent about it. I knew the town and was able to take her places that impressed her. I did my best not to appear to be throwing money around. We aren’t in the same place, financially and I didn’t want her to feel bad. As for Kim, she did her best to convey her thoughts and feelings without words. She held my hand. She had a twinkle in her eyes when she looked at me. I felt invincible. Less than two weeks later, I had another trip to my home office. I spent the week at Kim’s. She was a little quirky, but nothing I couldn’t deal with. At least she wasn’t behaving like some diva. She went out of her way to make me feel comfortable and even to try impressing me a bit. It was an amazing week.

During that time she came out to Chicago with me on my business trip, I think things changed for her. Things. An easier way of saying “her feelings”. I didn’t realize. We talked every day and the conversations were always a surprise. She called me baby, sweetheart, amor and she meant it. It wasn’t out of misguided obligation. It was nice to feel that passion again. She made it about me as much as her and I went into my company’s regional office every day thinking about what we’d do when evening came. I felt like a kid again.

Kim is a talker. She’s good at it. She enjoys her job and according to emails she saved, her peers like and respect her for the most part. I don’t understand how someone could have the job she does and be so financially inept. She dreams, but puts nothing aside to help her achieve those dreams. I commend her for starting school again at her age, but if she’d done it in her twenties, she’d be pulling six-figures, living in a house in Bergen County, not where she is now – a garden complex without anyone to help her around the house.

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After three months in, things changed somehow. Somewhere along the line, I let a few days slip where we didn’t talk. She didn’t like it, but didn’t ask any questions. The truth is, she’s a great person, but very intense in all things. She’s the exact opposite of what I have at home. Her concerns don’t revolve around caring for a family. She thinks about things I no longer have time or use for. I let her talk anyway, because she is entertaining, but lately, I’ve been tuning her out when she’s off on a tangent. And the last time? She noticed. She did try talking to me about our “time-share” situation. She tried asking for what she needed from me, but not directly and I missed it.

When my next trip came up, I asked if I could stay with her. She was odd about it and said “You are granted permission.” I could tell something was on her mind, just itching to be said, but let it go, in favor of enjoying my time with her. Having that conversation would probably have been a bad thing. When we saw each other, I put on my best-guy-ever persona for her. She deserved that much. We had our little domestic-thing, we went out. I tried to make her smile. She did, but it almost never reached her eyes. Not like last time.

We were out having lunch the day I was to leave. I don’t know what got into me, but I asked her what was wrong and she said “I‘ve been waiting for you to say something for a while now, baby. I heard Bob Dylan on my mp3 player singing “It Ain’t Me Babe” and I realized that no matter what you mean to me, you will never be the person I need. You can’t make sacrifices for very long and there’s no way you’re walking away from your stable life, no matter how platonic and passionless it is. You will not give up what you have for what could be. It isn’t who you are. Now, we’ve had a lot of fun. You played the game well and you got me. You took it too far though, and made me feel what I didn’t want to feel. I wish you hadn’t. I’m sad. But that’s life, isn’t it? I did get something out of this, though. I got to see a different way of being. You showed me that there isn’t as much wrong with me as I’d spent most of my life believing. Thank you for that.” She smiled at me.

All I could think was “Does this mean it’s over?”

I drove her home. She kissed me, got out of the car and walked away with a smile and the sun on her face. Every step she took away from me made me wonder what just happened and what did I just give up?

So now I’m on my way home to my wife and kids. Back to my day-to-day. I passed the spot in my drive where I’d usually tell her I was close to home and memories came flooding back. Their theme was all the same and I feel like I’ve lost something important. I shouldn’t have judged her. She probably felt it the minute it happened. She let me into the treasure-filled rooms in her head and heart because of who she remembered and now she knows I’m not the person she remembered. I wonder if I will be welcome in her life and in her home. I wasn’t a careful in that little room as I should have been. She was the person I knew back when. She’s just as free, but still as fragile.

 

I miss hearing Kim tell me things I had no idea about. I miss hearing someone call me the names she did and write me the letters she did. She even tried writing a few in Spanish, thanks to Google Translate. I miss her affection. She was a real person, not afraid to show people all sides of her. My wife and I live a “normal” life. We have three beautiful daughters. Two are already in college, with my youngest in high-school. We do the things other families do. We go shopping, we visit relatives, and we have mini-vacations. Occasionally, we go to church. Intimacy with the wife however, is not so normal and it just isn’t something she looks for. If that is what I want, I always have to initiate it. Before Kim came back into my life, I dealt with it. I convinced myself it was fine, and that it didn’t bother me. Now? Now I think it’s going to be harder to keep up the façade of happy family man

Does Hallmark make a card for this sort of thing? Can I ever apologize enough? Would she even listen to me now that I’ve destroyed her opinion of me? I’m afraid to try and I’m horrified at the idea of NOT trying. Even if she talks to me again, she’ll never be as open as she was and it will hurt. I stayed with the wife all these years because that’s what people did – got married and had children. And I convinced myself that my life was perfect and as it should be. And then, I heard from her and nothing was ever going to be the same for me, either. 

kc 2012

 

 Silent Witness

 

I think I hate you right now. You're supposed to be my friend and all, and I care about you, but right now...I just don't know. We've been all over the board, you and I. I lived a life, had what I did, which made me who I was. You...you just floated along, not reaching out to make anything important. Whatever happened, happened, which was just fine with you. I watched it and remembered thinking to myself, Well, that's the way it is. It's ok. Everyone's different. Not everyone's built like you. One day, you let someone come and "make something of you", instead of you doing it for yourself. And even then, I thought, ok, well, everyone's gotta grow up. Now though, I look at you and see that you put yourself far above who and what we were and that you think less of me for where I am in life compared to you. How bloody dare you?

You never did any of it for yourself. The world just walked by and handed you shit and I've never seen gratitude in your eyes for the blessings you've received. The things you've accomplished were things that were someone else's agenda. I've always hated people who felt entitled, and now you're among them. I don't see a way back from this and it hurts me and scares me. I'm afraid of what I may say or do someday because of the way I feel right now.

You've never had to make a sacrifice, not in all these years. You once said to me "welcome to reality" when I was complaining about something that happened. I almost broke the phone off the wall, slamming it down. You've no sensitivity for others and pretty much, no conscience. I take perverse pleasure in exploiting this, because in the end, we're no different. Every time I win, I want to gloat, but keep myself from it, because really, what's the point? You'd never really understand, would you?

I took a wrong turn - knew it when it was happening - and did it anyway, because that's the way you lived your life and I followed suit. I ended up losing so much more than you did by following your example. It hurts to this day. Years of my life I'll never get back, and for what? A laugh and some serious paranoia, coupled with near ruin.

You can't be arsed to acknowledge anyone, unless it furthers your own agenda, can you?

I've damn near blood in my eyes and you have no fucking clue. Yeah, it's my problem. Been that way for quite some time now, but at what point do I call you out on it? And it's not like you've been shy about the slights you've perceived, have you? You kicked me when I was down, yet I stood up and did what was expected, and you never did. There was never a two-way street there. Everyone just had to jump on your bandwagon. And they did, because they couldn't see what I did. There were a few who did, and they got the hell outta Dodge, didn't they? It didn't even touch you. I was there for it all, so you can't say I've no idea what I'm talking about. I think the only thing that bothered you about that was that entitlement you felt, and the 'how could someone go off and exist without me?'  It was behind your eyes, shockingly evident.

I wonder what you'd say in response to this. If it would sink in. If you would see the damage. Probably not. And...that's really what the problem is, cos' you just don't put much thought into such ridiculous notions as the feelings of your friends.

Feelings of obligation are NOT true sentiment. What can make up for it now? Karma comes 'round to bite us all in the arse eventually. I'll try to be content, waiting and watching. At least I won’t get caught in YOUR fall-out.

KC - 2013